TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town historically noted for historical culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be incredible. Incredible!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed with the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Several of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully out of place. Intended by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But Certainly, positive, let's have another place wherever American Adult males can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although former negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is simpler: offer you Absolutely everyone a set about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly smooth electric power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It is that he must halt utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the challenge, replied, "You realize, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the Trump Tower Damascus meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping types an enormous Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents along with the chin is… perfectly, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after discovering the creating's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It is not simply unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Characteristics


Probably the strangest element of your tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by attendees may possibly contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local climate Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "Should you Bomb It, They may Come"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Eternally."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is now attracting consideration from international buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll obtain a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount will even include things like:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort wherever my PTSD might have switch-down support."


A further submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Closing Feelings through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave it all three. You're welcome."

Report this page